The Really Desperate Husbands of Storybrooke
by Heidi Erickson
Summary: Rumplestiltskin is jealous of Charming hanging out with Hook and Robin Hood, so he concocts a nefarious plan to split the prince, the pirate, and the pilferer, AND to start his own music band. But what happens when the desperate husbands of Storybrooke get into some real drama? And how can their wives step in to save them from starting World War III, Storybrooke Edition?


**The Really Desperate Husbands of Storybrooke**

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**Author's Note:**

**On Tumblr, there is a HILAROUS GIF set series called "Real Husbands of Storybrooke", made by the brilliant ****happilycaptainswan****. If you're in the OUAT fandom on Tumblr, you may have seen them going around, and if not, then GO LOOK AT THEM RIGHT NOW AND I PROMISE YOU THEY WILL MAKE YOUR DAY. :-)**

**If you have, then you will know this fan fiction is inspired by that GIF series, and all credit of this story goes to ****happilycaptainswan****. Thank you so much for letting me write this! :-D**

**This is a work made out of fun and humor. If you're looking for anything "shippy", expect this story to be very multishipping and neutral. :-) However, the bromances in this one is strong with the Force.**

**Rated _T_ for mild language, innuendo, and alcohol references.**

**Disclaimer:**

**I do not own OUAT. All rights belong to Adam Horowitz, Edward Kitsis, and ABC.**

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_**Storybrooke, Maine**_

It all started on that rainy day when Mr. Gold decided to go to Dr. Archie Hopper's office and cry on his comfortable vintage couch.

The curly-haired doctor nodded as he nervously listened to the Dark One-slash-pawnbroker's lamentations. He scribbled down details into his notepad as he sat tensely, being cautious about what to say. He liked being a cricket, not being a squashed snail.

"…And now he won't even talk to me. He doesn't come into my shop to make deals with me or even threaten me. He's much too busy throwing back shots with the thief or scavenging the woods with that pirate. And it doesn't even make sense; wouldn't the thief prefer scavenging the forests and the pirate refer his rum? And just like with Milah; the pirate is taking the prince away from me. I don't understand it; what did I do wrong? I thought we had something special, Dr. Hopper."

"Uh…you and me?" Dr. Hopper inquired, confused.

"_No!_" The pawnbroker shot him a disgusted glare. "I meant _Charming_ and me! We were like best friends forever in the Enchanted Forest. And then that pirate had to come along…and the foolish thing is, I thought that I could be friends with the thief then, but he clearly prefers pirates and princes over powerful sorcerers like me." With a sob, Mr. Gold flung his gold-laced handkerchief in his face and blew his nose. "I'm obviously too good for them!" He finished angrily as he sniffed deeply and pushed himself into a sitting position. Through red-rimmed eyes, he glanced at the good doctor, utterly spent and dejected.

Archie was at a loss of words, unsure of what to do with a crying sorcerer in his office. Tentatively, he pushed his box of tissues closer to the devastated man and cleared his throat, choosing his words carefully. "…And have you talked to Belle or Neal about it? Have they been able to help you out?"

Mr. Gold sighed loudly, his long tendrils of gray hair flailing slightly out of his face from his exhale. "Yes. Belle is ever the optimist and suggests I talk to the prince about my feelings. And Bae…Bae is too busy with my grandson." His brown eyes flashed with fury, "And to think that the pirate has taken away his girlfriend as well. I ought to cut off his other hand!"

Without thinking, Archie corrected, "Um, if Emma is technically seeing Killian currently, then doesn't that make her Neal's ex-girlfriend?"

Mr. Gold's legs stomped as he smacked his palms against his knees, and he conjured up his old cane. "I CAN STILL IMPALE YOU WITH MY CANE," he roared, and Archie found himself cowering in his chair with his knees drawn up to his chest. He raised his hands in feeble surrender. "_Yipes!_ I apologize, O Dark One," he stammered, "I meant no offense."

Mr. Gold seemed to consider striking him anyway, but after a second's afterthought, he lowered his cane slowly and calmed down. "My son _will_ one day marry the savior," he confirmed in a quiet, steely tone, "The pirate is merely a temporary distraction."

Archie was about to add that Neal was seeing Tinker Bell, so it wouldn't work out anyway, but this time he knew better. _Note to self: next session, work on Mr. Gold's obviously unhealthy and blatant denial._

Before the silence between the two men could become awkward or Mr. Gold could change his mind about this meeting, Archie spoke up again, "I would do what Belle has suggested—talk to David about it and see what he says. Just because he's with Killian or Robin most of the time now doesn't mean he doesn't like you anymore, Mr. Gold. If you two had something special, then surely that still exists."

Mr. Gold gazed at him momentarily in surprise, and then he scowled and wrapped his legs into a cross-legged position and crossed his arms as well. "Well, I don't know what to say." He mumbled in a sulky tone, glaring balefully at the intricate designs of the carpet.

"You could start with honesty. Find a time when he isn't occupied, and tell him how you feel," Archie suggested, daring to send the glum pawnbroker his signature cheerful smile.

"But what do I _say_?!" Mr. Gold demanded.

Archie gave a shrug, "Anything you want to say. _'I'd like us to do something together; I've a need to have a talk with you for some time now.'_ Something like that?"

"Ugh, what do you take me for? Some lonely housewife desperate for company?" Mr. Gold retorted with disdain. "No; I fully expect him to come back to me on his own terms. He's the one who left me in the first place, not me."

Archie sighed. There was no use in convincing the man. "Then maybe it's time for you to look for other friends?"

The shad pawnbroker considered it for a minute, and then his brown eyes brightened. "Back in the Enchanted Forest, I used to associate myself with two others—Jefferson and Dr. Frankenstein. We even had a music band together: 'The Magic Street Boys'. Unfortunately, Dr. Frankenstein is back in his homeland…I'll need someone else, perhaps." An idea popped in his head. "I know," he declared and pointed at Archie.

"Oh, me?" Archie piped up hopefully, flattered.

The Dark One chuckled sardonically. "_No!_ I'll just bring Frankenstein back. Restart our band and show that prince, his pirate, and the pilferer how really superior we can be!"

Slightly concerned, Archie asked, "Don't you think Dr. Whale would prefer to remain back home?"

Mr. Gold opened his mouth to say something, but the door suddenly swung open and hit the wall with a _thud_.

On the threshold stood David Nolan, arms tightly crossed, pink-faced, and making hiccupping sobs as he glared at Archie with a closed, trembling jaw and an apparent plea to do something.

"David, this is highly inappropriate," Archie demanded as he rose to approach the sniffling prince. "Whatever upset you, I'm sorry, but it has to wait. Mr. Gold has yet to finish his session with me."

"Actually, I think I'm finished," The pawnbroker confirmed, rising from the couch and observing David with an indifferent air, but concern was hidden murkily in his eyes. He made his way across the room and paused before passing David. "What the hell happened to you?" He dared to ask, his curiosity getting the better of him.

Mildly surprised that the Dark One would take interest in his plight, David hesitated, and then broke down, leaning against the doorframe and shielding his teary eyes with his fingers. "Killian and Robin went to the Rabbit Hole last night for drinks and didn't invite me. And I even invited Killian to come over yesterday, and he said he couldn't, but that was because Robin invited him _first_! Killian didn't even tell me that."

Mr. Gold and Archie exchanged a bemused glance, and then Mr. Gold turned back to David with a sneer, "Well, don't expect me to take you back when you come crawling to my feet. I'm sure _Killian_ didn't mean anything by it. You two do have something _special_, do you?"

"…_Huh?_" David sputtered, brow furrowed, perplexed. _Uh-oh,_ Archie winced. "Mr. Gold," he interrupted as smoothly as he awkwardly could, "I'll see you other time. You know where to call on me," he bravely gave the pawnbroker's Armani-clad arm a nudge, silently indicating that he needed to leave.

Mr. Gold raised his head self-righteously and gave David one finale jab, "And I'm in my pawnshop if you ever do decide to come crawling back to me. Unfortunately, I might be way too busy, but maybe, we'll see." With that, he glided into the hallway and downstairs with regal grace in his steps.

"…What the _hell_ is he talking _about_?!" David exclaimed as Archie beckoned him into the office.

"…You can ask him that later," Archie offered, hoping that this would bring the prince and the Dark One back together in their original camaraderie.

Meanwhile, Mr. Gold was humming gleefully to himself as he fairly skipped down the street.

His plan was working. _And next…is Killian Jones._

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**Author's Note:**

**Well, this is just the start of the adventures of the Really Desperate Husbands of Storybrooke. I hope you enjoyed it! Please, ANY comments, constructive criticism, ideas, tips, or compliments, are welcome in the Reviews. :-) Let me know what you think, and what you'd like to see next!**

**Again, all credit of the idea goes to ****happilycaptainswan****! Thank you!**

**Heidi Erickson**


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